cosmic chipmunks

we're on tour
performing for planets
last show is my old world
we sing their songs
they dance in their ways
im happy none of us judge them
[cut scene]
everyones gone
you and i on stage
youre on your back
im on top of you
"thats not my world"
"id like to see your world"
i agree
i pin your hands down playfully
im suddenly conscious of our lips
the space between feels insubstantial
we're still
time is frozen
we kiss
you taste like euphoria
like fulfilled promises
like the best ciggerete
like food after fasting

why is goodnight goodbye
but morning is hello ??

goodnight angel
up at 8:41
this vampire
emerges with the moon

hitting right

izakar, its time to wake up.

all rigid for what
there are no rules
gonna go nocturnal

a tree cant fall in the forest
if no ones around to hear it

proportions over scale

all numbers are infinity

the space between
connects not separates

gonna leave this here

if it seems the loves lost its not
learning to express it in javascript

lost my pen last night

found it in the morning

liminal

fixing typos
i love you

i can afford the bus to houston

oh good morning
wont be sleeping tonight
theres ufc in china

repressing my darkness
was slowly killing me
im ur worst nightmare
and ur wettest dream

good morning loves
woke at 6
up 7:15
bit dissapointed
but i trust my body
been asking for more sleep
id like to reestablish regularity
gym and yoga have been paused
havent fully moved in yet
gonna unpack stuff
wash all my clothes
get my house in order

good morning love
feeling quite out of it
writing cause its become important
late night excursion
in bed bit before 2
ate lots of food
woke at 6
coffee didnt work
dozed on sofa
dogs got me up at 7:47
tired and brain fog
but feel amazing
im so happy
i love you

dreams

analyzing my blue crystal
with microscope in laboratory
illuminati pyramids all over
as i leave woman says

oh and izakar
wherever you choose to go
make sure you all eat cookies

good morning sunshine
forgot to set alarm
up at 6:51
not a bad thing
needed the extra sleep

positive reinforcement going well
wraith learns quick
he shares my love of food
i still discipline
but only as a means of communication
i am firm and rough
but intentional and measured
i never use discipline when i am angry

found three shiny quarters
might visit the dollar store
buy myself something nice

dreams last night:
not very sweet
very vivid
only remember fragments

ladies and gentlemen, erics getting a dog

dinner at hagrids
ca'ful with that,
blood will burn right through you

as we watched
hagrid dunked
what looked like
a large dung beetle
in the sauce
and into his mouth
swallowing it whole

he always did have a wicked sense of humour

morning loves
up at 6
gonna try 4:30 or 5 tomorrow
javascript immersion hath begun
diving into deep waters
will keep you updated
might refrain from english for a bit

sweet dreams
i love you

costar knows

morning loves
i do love u i do
if i didnt id tell u
fr i promise

woke at 6
happy

theres a lil hallway
between bedroom bathroom
and rest of apartment
turned table on its side
created a barricade
granting me small sanctuary
can better accept chaos this way

had a routine since child
when entering new living space
summer camps school dorms new homes
make my bed and unpack all my clothes
no talking to people or exploring
find my space and consecrate it

starting javascript
guide im using

abandoned javascript guide
fluff was frustrating
will use immersion

went park gym
very hot
go mornings
before sun
wake up earlier

morning loves
started positive reinforcement
guide im using:
reward good behaviour
forgive bad behaviour
never remove food
even temporarily

many golden rules
current favorite i keep replaying

do as thou wilt be the whole of the law
~aliester crowley

same energy as

thou shalt love thy neighbour as thyself
~mark 12:31

essentially what thou puttest out into the universe shall return to thee

dreams last night

post celebration at a bar
someone from my past
not the first time in astral
said he understood why i left
left my tesla unlocked
only stayed a few minutes
went outside and car was gone
spent next few hours chasing it
was tracking location with phone
taken by some highschool kids
found in large parking lot
outside a dominoes
they feared my wrath
said i have demon eyes
did not wish them harm
only wanted my car back
they were sorry then
said they couldnt help it
its just what they do
returned it fully charged

viewing dogs as babies is helpful
all of us under one roof is difficult
josepha struggling more than before
woke multiple times to walk her
i leverage my circumstance
envisioning a large home
big yard and trees
theres a doggy door
food bowls are always full

i treat my dogs well
they eat right
i give them love
i do not punish them
but its pure willpower
i do not feel safe
there are monsters inside me
i feel such awful feelings
think awful thoughts
im full of so much rage
with nowhere to put it
i hold it all inside
i dont see how bad i treat myself
till i accept another as my own
it is not safe to be near me
that is how i feel

i should find a cave on a tall mountain
retreat into the realm of legend
complete the myth that i am
call me count izakar
dark vampire
consumer of souls
i dont isolate because i fear people
i isolate because people dont fear me
and that scares me
i fear for those who love me
it is good that i am all alone
best for everyone it remains this way

morning loves
up at 6
yesterday was a day
we'll talk about it
busy morning
bit tired now
cleared task list
maybe javascript soon

mid coffee ritual rn
attempting resuscitation
have some light

became friends with my neighbor
shortly after we both moved in
for privacy we'll say her names aura
aura had domestic issues
we'll say his name is kiss
they got in a fight
kiss took her baby boy and ran
auras mother and auntie came from far
to help her through her difficult period
i helped as well and we bonded then
she got her baby back thank God
auras mom asked me to look out for her
told her we'd look out for each other

sad to say i failed aura
was lost in weed and absent
kiss came back and she let him in
he got arrested shortly after
high stakes heist
aura moved home to her family
told me im welcome to whats left
wasnt much
a table two beds some glasses
but she left the keys
and the power was still on
id been struggling with dogs
no ac no bed to sleep in
took the keys

auras empty home became a getaway
power went off after a few days
but miraculously it remained 77°
while my own hovers high 80s
theres 10s of empty apartments here
tried not to overthink it
still felt guilty
time passed
started calling it home
break in happened there
lost many valuables

syxx moved in much later
we got back a few days ago
after being out for food
all doors were open
things were gone through
but nothing taken
dogs are my valuables now
decided not to leave syxx alone there again

yesterday i was coding
on a sofa id found and brought inside
sudden banging on the door
i ignored
hoping it would pass
it did not pass
management
with the police
opened up when i realized
was handcuffed and questioned
told the whole truth
gave me 2 hours to vacate
but i was so happy
they made it 1
heard cop insisting im a liar
dont think he liked my narrative
went back outside to clarify
not a single lie was spoken
was out within 40 minutes
didnt have much there
just heavy stuff

back at my own place
all 4 of us under one roof
im embarrassed at how i failed aura
i let her down when she was here
i wronged her after she left
im truly sorry aura
hope i have not damaged you bad
i do ask for your forgiveness

gonna walk dogs
shower and sleep
goodnight i love u

silly izakar
learned html and css
before positive reinforcement

they like me when i love them
they like me when im kind
dont like me when i scare them
and it seems ive lost my mind

good morning angel
all reality adores you
existence exists to bless you
im ever grateful to be here
thank you for being you

nothing exists without purpose
God is only benevolent
pain or discomfort
may be spiritual training
may be nervous system regulation
may be atonement for sin
i accept all that comes
may faith carry me
when i cant see

had a wise mentor in high school
an orthodox jewish rabbi
truly special person
was him who introduced me to God
as a being of benevolent love
redeemed judaism itself in my eyes
he shared wisdom on how to find love
for someone you struggle to
said to find one quality
even if it seems silly
like how they may dress well
focus on this one quality
and love will fill your vision

i do wonder what hed say
on someone intent on harming you
hard to love one who prays on your demise
ive yet to find an answer
best ive come up with
is to go the other way
if you cant find love
least rid yourself of hate
i imagine bad things happening to them
then i imagine they have a family
innocents who they care for and love
then i find i dont wish to hurt them
all hate drains out of me
and i find peace

alright, just clearing some negative energy
thanks for bearing with me
onwards and upwards loved ones

up 6:16 again
didnt work out yesterday
not too pleased about that
would like to clear the task list
yearning for javascript
augment my powers

fell in love with my autism
they call them disorders
cause they fear chaos
what is wild wont be tamed

good morning loved ones
you are perfect in all ways
what some call flaw i call beauty
what some call imperfect i call real
thank you for existing beside me
i love you i adore you
im here with you

paused to check on podcasts
feels like christmas came early
loved their last conversation
havent seen this one yet
this and dwcs in one day damn
saving the world is for tuesday

alright, still one or two things to finish up before opening javascript
gonna do a bit of code
maybe get one done today
also wanna go gym
skipped morning workout
its been dampening mornings
been starting day with meditation
up at 6:16 rose to watch the sun rise

fearing self abandonment
i abandon the world
but i do not exist without you

good morning angel
i think too much
sorry abt that
i love you

31 pushups
0 situps
0 squats

gonna switch things up

some things i wanna do
gonna clean up yesterday first
maybe add some music idk

found ive been self censoring
cause its so artful here
and i like to keep it clean
but idk if i like that
maybe i should have another format
guess could have a private journal too
but i like channeling my energy here
will workshop it just some thoughts

okay its cleaner. maybe ill come back but its fine.

mars in taurus
make the izakar go
chuga chuga choo choo

was gonna go gym
but didnt
did some pushups
goodnight i love you

good morning love

slept in again
up at 7:31

42 pushups
22 situps
42 squats

light yoga

a king a wolf a baby
and we all ate cookies

rebuked in the prayer house
so i rebuked the rebuker

circling back
lets start by summarizing

moneys a tool
not the problem
what is the problem ?

we named 4
ill add 1 more

1. absense of money keeps us immobile and excuses lack of effort
2. material wealth will increase fear of being used
3. no money keeps us away from responsibility
4. money triggers fear of visibility

heres the real one:
we never had money issues
gone on many ventures
all blessed with success
money didnt bring problems
its existence was only benificial

5. our repulsion to money, is our refusal to step back into old identities and patterns. its the stand we've taken. the hill we chose to die on its not about getting paid. its about who we're getting paid to be.

lets put aside the validity of what we decided, and first examine what it is that we actually decided upon. we accepted the belief that what we're getting paid for, is the identity we are taking on.

if we're doing property management
we are a property manager
if we're building websites
we're a web developer
managing insurance accounts?
we're an insurance account executive
managing a team of coders?
we're cto of a startup

our stand was a refusal to step back into any roles. on the basis that our unaltered existence generates enough value to sustain us. if we're only couragous enough to demand it, and settle for nothing less.

this has put us into a state of rigor mortis. refusing all avenues. yet avoiding asking for what we want. probably stemming from beliefs of inadequecy. we havent truly believed we were deserving of getting paid to exist.

we were still holding the idea that we must sell something. sacrifice something. give something up. that life cannot be as good as what we're asking it to be.

all else is fabricated excuse, and total self illusionment. but just for fun, lets break them down.

back up a second
paused for daily cigarette
we have one fear
the same behind our fear of connection
our core negative belief statement
connection means losing myself
pursuit of money means losing myself

thats it. the whole shebang. rachel gave the anology of a knotted rope. two ends, all tied up in the middle. two central ropes
connection and money
really one and the same
because money is value exchange
connection -> knots -> losing myself
money -> knots -> losing myself

okay lets return

1. theres no lack of effort. you dont need to be doing more. alignment over effort. if we're truly generating enough value by existing, we dont need to be doing more. and we are.
2. fear of being used will always exist. because we're inately valuable. money changes nothing
3. afraid of responsibility? please. youve taken 3 dogs into your care. not to mention your friends and loved ones. and all of them aside, you are responsible for care of yourslef. theres no avoiding responsibility so long as you exist.
4. fear of visibilty? who u think ur fooling? u love to be seen. in all ways. youve exposed the ugliest parts of urself. all ur avoiding is showing ur strengths and beauty.
5. now the real one
   only u have the power to self abandon. if u think doing property management makes u a property manager, u will be a property manager. dont blame society. only you can do that to urself. if u dont believe that, fine. then u are unemployed. u r broke. u r all the labels anyone can apply to you right now. u cant avoid labels. but only you can delegate defining ur identity. with no money and no defined job you are still exactly who u are.

so there

fear of self abandonment

negative core belief:
connection means losing myself
money means losing myself

solution?
your fear is illusion.
you dont need to intellectually prove this to urself. simply stop acting on ur fears. or avoiding acting because of your fears. ur moral absolutism is a form of self harm and i wont allow you to continue.

u fear connection
but hunger for it constantly
and accept it in its barest forms
because you need it

who do you think youre saving?

dying on the paid to exist hill?
for what?
society is flawed
your stand is foolish
what do you think ur proving?
even if you get paid right now
if u get paid for ur existence
what of everyone who cant
everyone deserves to exist
work is not moral
building pyramids is not moral
lay off that

wanna help society?
step the fuck up
stop holding urself back
ur capable of so much good
stop dying on hills
for God sakes start helping people

action steps?
ask for what you want
be bold and couragous

now clean up this mountain of text and share it. avoiding the conversation is the first wall you can break right now.

good morning love

ate bread last night

slept in
up at 9:07
walked syxx
fed her
went to wraiths
do not enter a warzone unprepared
had already decided no discipline
josepha had waited
wraith had not
it dawned on me
he did not shit in the house
he shit in the morning
like he does every day

apologized
for making them wait
filled their water
went for walk
thanked him
for helping me atone
cleaned my shit
and fed them

i realized then
wraith is companion
an alpha wolf
king in his own right
syxx and josepha are feminines
they look to me for guidance
wraith is law unto himself
a creature of nature

42 pushups
22 situps
42 squats

light yoga

the cars camera was out
frustrated cause cant recall
if it was front right or left
but im pretty sure it was the left
having it fixed at a small shop
little off the highway
wont be ready for 12 hours
didnt wanna wait till 3PM
woke before i decided

gonna circle back
to yesterdays exercise
wanna do a bit of code first
been enjoying the mental stimulation
started playing chess again

slow sleepy saturdays
good morning my love

woke at 6:00
and again at 6:38
then at 7:08 sideways
on other side of the bed

42 pushups
42 squats
21 situps

dozed on the carpet before yoga

syxx moved in yesterday
after i bathed them all
fleas keep returning
gonna see about flea pills

havent started coffee yet
dont feel like doing much today
been thinking about smoking weed
would like to hit a checkpoint
before going liminal again

liked the template thing
gonna do that more
also more music

dreams

lavish steak house
armchairs and candles
its my birthday
playing settlers
poor placements
but my numbers
keep getting rolled
i built a settlement
woke before city
i had the cards

mid coffee now
want to play more
always so serious
javascript opens doors
been procrastinating

oh theres ufc soon

lets open some doors

if money is not the problem
because money is just a tool.
what is the actual problem?
~Teal Swan

• having no money excuses my lack of effort. how can i try if im stuck where i am? cant even afford the bus to houston.
• already have trust issues. spiritual wealth makes me fear people are using me. material wealth will only increase those fears.
• im afraid of stepping into a role i cant handle. having no money keeps me far away from any real responsibility.
• fear of being seen.
  avoiding the tables.

back in the mines
im red again
digging for my dinner
im no helldiver
just a boy
was using a vav
friend showed me to use the reish
significantly more effective
drill hadnt arrived yet
eating rainbow gummy bears for sustenance

good morning love
no pretty words
i just love u

up at 7:43
woke many times last night
would like to push wake up to 6:00

45 pushups
30 squats
25 situps

new posture thats y
even those were difficult
went real slow with pushups tho
started to feel like a numbers game

growing closer to dogs every day
want to amend what i said
wraith cleans his teeth
cause it hurts him not to
i can feel it off him
can smell with their senses
dont know if ill let josepha go
even if we find her a home
we're already bonding

syxx may move in with me today
she will miss wraith and josepha
but she fights me at the door
every time i bring her back